spaced out

i need some space.. personal space..desperately..immediately..
i want to think at my own pace, do things that i actually want to do, eat/not eat as and when i like, talk/not talk to anybody as and when i please, live the way i want to.
i want to do things my way.. just for a few days.. just two days.. two hours..anything
i don't want to be responsible, i don't want to care, i don't want to feel guilty, i don't want to clean up, i don't want to do the correct thing..

i've been so deprived of any 'me' time that i think i've lost myself completely. maybe i'm selfish, maybe i'm stupid but really, just now, i just don't care.
at times (such as now), things just build up and crash down on me. i'm sick of doing things the way others want them, why should i care? why should i compromise? why ? why?
writing this down, i feel 14 and immature..
aren't i supposed to be a responsible adult? and responsible adults put everybody else's need before theirs. and right now, all i'm doing is throwing a tantrum.
now i wish i was 14, so i could at least throw a full blown tantrum with screaming and crashing and banging of doors..but no. im relegated to jotting down my emotions in black and white. im calm , im quiet..! and i just might burst.
but im a responsible adult.

i have a splitting headache and i'm dying to talk to somebody who'd understand. but no, im collected, im mature , everybody has their problems. nobody goes on shouting them for the world to hear ..
im a responsible adult
even though all i want to do is yell and scream and vent my frustrations and want somebody to pat me and comfort me and take care of me. and feed me chocolates.

don't get me wrong. i don't actually have any specific problem. i'm fine
it's just one of those days.i'm sure everybody has them. those days when you feel down and out without actually knowing why.
what i don't get is , don't i have a right to feel this way? what's wrong in wanting a little quiet time, like a quarantine period, a mini holiday. a time when nobody can interfere. you can do things without people perstering you. you can wear what you like.
maybe i actually like wearing a tee shirt in -5 degrees weather. maybe i actually like eating icecream for breakfast and a sandwich for dinner.
who makes these damn rules anyway? why do all of us have to live our life in exactly the same way?

i DON'T like being judged all the time. i want to spend an hour without my name being called out every five minutes to do this or do that. i want to wear what i like, not what others like ( ok, now i really sound 14!)

all i'm saying is, please please just give me my life back.
or give me some space .. some time to call my own.

i don't even have a room to myself as of now.
i'm not complaining. its nobody's fault and generally i don't mind.
just sometimes, not so frequently, i look at myself and wonder what i'm doing here.
sometimes i deserve to complain, don't i? if everybody else can.. why can't i?

i know this will pass.. these tiny things will stop bothering me in sometime coz really, they're not worth bothering about.
but i don't like being an adult.. i'm not made that way.
i'm selfish and mean and irresponsible.
take it or leave it.
but just give me some space.