i wish it wasn't so

i wanted to write about something else...i had a few fun posts jotted down in my head...
i didn't have time before today..and ironically... now i just don't have the heart for it.
first and foremost, if any of you are one of those who run for the hills at the hint of any emotional outbursts... kindly do not proceed further. .
i don't know if this will make any of you feel uncomfortable.. and right now, i just don't care. i'm writing this just for me; it's just a way for me to vent out my feelings.

things have been going wrong . i know i can't control it but nevertheless, i try. i can't see everything just self - exploding in front of my eyes and just hang around doing nothing at all. i don't know what's worse .. knowing things will go downhill even if you do nothing or trying your best to stop it, and yet see it all go down downhill.
it's so hard.. seeing the people you love hurting themselves . i try to make it stop .. i believe it can..i want to believe i can make it all better. i try .. i try.. coz i love them . i've seen it time and again .. do some people know how much they can hurt others? most of the time, you ending up hurting those people you love the most ? why?? why does this have to happen? and is this the solution?
will your problems be solved if you can hurt the people you love the most? will other's misery make yours any better? why do people do this?
do they know how i desperate i feel? do they know what goes on inside my head? do they know that i don't want to be here? do they know that i would give anything to not be a part of this? don't they know that i love them? don't they know that it kills me to see them like this? don't they know i'm filled with blind fury at my inabilty to make it all better? do they like doing this to themselves? will shutting yourself away make it better? will saying cruel words make you feel better?
when they push me away, don't they see i'm trying to help? i really really believe i can soothe it all, just please, give me a chance. the smallest problem can make me cry.. people think its a sign a weakness.. how wrong they are.. the absence of tears won't make you a stronger person.. .the courage to face up to your emotions will..
however , all i can say is .. for whatever reason.. i can't cry right now...

the past 2 and a half weeks have been some of the worst of my life.. and the best part is.. they've been so normal.. i've been so normal .. i still eat, i still argue, i still read , i still work, i still watch tv..
i gues it's the age old human tendency to normalize any situation.. funny..the more normal you make it seem.. the more abnormal it feels.
i don't know where to go.. i don't know what to do.. i don't feel helpless, i just feel weirdly detached. dull and numb.. even if i wanted to talk to someone, i wouldn't know what to say.
i want to store this experience away for future reference, i want to say that i won't let anything like this happen ever again when i'm the one in control.. and yet, i don't know if i can do that. i've hurt a lot of people a lot of times, i've said so many things that i feel like killing myself whenever i think of them. what's to say i won't do this in the future again? am i any better than the rest? if possible , i'm worse..
everybody says that they would never intentionally hurt their loved ones.. how fake that is. the most hurtful things are said with just that purpose in mind.. coz when you love someone and someone loves you, you're accessible to that part of that person that is the most private.. you hav the ability to hurt the deepest.
i've seen and heard so much recently, there is so much stuff i don't want to know.. so much stuff i don't deserve to know. what good will come out of it ? i can't rewrite history, i can't make it all better ,i can't make the pain go away? so what justifies me knowing all this stuff..?
if anything it makes me bitter.. it makes me angry knowing that some things will always come back to haunt you.. some things you just can't do anything about, but which people will insist on dragging out and brandishing in your face..
please stop it! let the past be, even if you can't forget and/or forgive.. at least don't mention it again.. what is the point of hurting yourselves over the same issue again and again and again?? please, just let it go.

life is weird. we are all born happy. it's all very simple ..
and then life starts wreaking it's vengeance on you.. all it wants is to make you bitter. kill your spirit. still, hope springs eternal.. i still hope that it will all get better , i still hope that this will end. i still hope that it will all pass.
coz i can't bear it.. i can't bear seeing those faces again.. so much hurt .. so much anger.. so much negativity.. it just kills me.
through all this i just want to thank God for a few small mercies.. sometimes when you have to care for someone else, protect someone else .. it all makes you stronger. and i thank God for making me realize that.
life isn't about yourself.. or only about yourself. it's also about others .. i know sometimes i just wanna say what the hell, let me be.. i want to avoid it all by suprressing everything .. but just knowing that someone depends on me to be strong .. to show them a way out of this.. makes me remain sane.

so like i said, i really wanted to write about something else.. i didn't want to make people cringe when they read this. but i really find it hard to write anything else when i'm in this frame of mind..