i have a dream

in the last post , i was getting all senti about school.. i guess it would be appropriate to now start getting senti about college.. it's all supposed to be going in ascending order .. first childhood , then schooldays and now college..

its like i'm living my whole life again through the posts - everytime i sit down and write about the times gone by , i find myself facing an avalanche of memories and as i sift and sort through it all , it dawns upon me how insurmountable this task is. i produce a few words although they are completely inadequete in aptly expressing my thoughts and i am left with a vague sense of dissatisfaction.

writing about my time spent in college is too difficult right now. i can't face it. as they say, the wound is raw.
i guess it's because i'm still in the phase of denial.. depression , anger and an inexplicable feeling of loss are next . acceptance is a long, long trek away .. the memories are too freshand bright to even be classified as memories as yet.
most of what i'm going to write now will sound like a load of rubbish to most people and i can understand that. understanding and appreciating somebody else's passions, desires or hopes is an impossible task. only the person concerned can feel their intensity , drive and fire.

to me college was much more than just three years of education with a whole lotta fun thrown in..
and this is why.
ever since i can remember , i've wanted to be a designer . that was even before i knew what either 'fashion' or 'designer' meant.. this was a desire that i have always always been aware of and it has always been an integral part of me , the part of me which has defined and distinguished me because i have yet to meet anybody who had such a defined dream at such a young age as me.
i remember drawing figures dressed in ( my idea of) the latest fashion and then asking my school pals to rate them .. it was a miny beauty contest. my mum has painstakingly collected the innumerable sketch pads filled with my aforementioned drawings , the earliest dating back to when i was eight years old. all this while the other eight year olds were laboriously drawing triangular mountains and a smiling sun.
so you see, this was a dream which i had been born with and instead of growing out of it , i grew into it . it was my not-so-secret passion coz anybody who knew me , knew my dream .
now if this was a fairy tale , i would also be blessed with amazing creative powers and blinding innovative vision and would win every design/arts prize from here to mexico. no such luck!

my dream remained just that - a dream. sure , i could draw and paint better than most..but when it came to competitions i was pathetically inadequate. i spent my days in anguish and envy - angry at myself for not winning and insanely jealous of those who did. as a result of which , i entered as few competitions as i could ( i couldn't stop altogether , the co-curricular activity section of my report card would be really empty considering i wasn't even remotely interested in sports!)
so it would seem i was given a dream without the requisite skills - so now i would be sensible and sane and get myself an achievable dream ? nope, no such luck again!
i was always a good student and of course , this led my poor parents into foolishly hoping i would do the noble thing and become a successful doctor or engineer. a belief , my entire family(choc-a-bloc with engineers and doctors) supported.
but i never gave it up..because you see, i was one of the few lucky ones who had a dream , a sense of things to comne.. and on no condition was i giving it up without a tussle.
i have seen my classmates struggling with career options- with no real sense of what they had to do- choosing a career on the basis of - " it sounds nice!" or "my dad wants me to do it." or "everybody in my family is a doctor" or " i bet the money is good" or simply because they didn't care eitherways.
so you see , i couldn't help but feel incredibly fortunate that i had a purpose , that it had all been decided for me.

my last years in school were increasingly difficult . everybody around me was preparing for IIT or PMT , studying 25 hours a day and rushing around to coachings at 5 in the morning , while i refused to attend even a single one of these. when i think of that time, i really don't know how i survived the pressure ;london bridge would have cracked. needless to say , everybody was thoroughly disappointed in me and there were vague mutterings of - " she'll realise her mistake later when she doesn't get in anywhere and has no options left", "why does she want to ruin her life?"

most of my classmates sniggered when i decided to give the NIFT/NID exams and all my teachers took it upon themselves to make me see sense counsel me otherwise. it was a trying time. i don't know what made me go through with it all anyway. i was desperately insecure of my limited (read non-existent) creative skills and was scared silly of all the artsy types who came to give the exams dressed in appropriate artsy clothes. i was so sure i wouldn't get in that i almost didn't give the exams .. it was a weird time! many of the girls from the arts section in my school were also present . though they were sweet to me, i could sense their disdain.
exam over ..and i returned home a shattered mess, panic -stricken and decidedly pessimistic for my future.

and then i got in.. the only one from my school to qualify the first phase of both the NIFT/NID entrance exams .
suffice it to say , i was in a delirious haze of success . i'd never for one moment believed i could do it , but i did.
i have always hated (hated ! HATED!!) judgemental people, considering i have faced so many of them. people who judged me just because i was a science student , people who thought that possessing an imagination is a cardinal sin, people who believed that the creative fields are full of so-called failures - people who have failed elsewhere .
the day after the results, the arts teacher in my school was gushing over me , offering to give me private coaching for the situation tests. too bad i didn't have the time or energy to gloat since my board exams had just begun.
well , yet again i would like to say that i blazed my way through the situation tests and was accepted almost as soon as i finished my interviews. ha!fat chance!

i went through a great deal of more heartbreak, days of severe depression and extreme insecurity - my interviews went badly and i wasn't accepted into NID . i think that was the day when i scraped the bottom of the abyss. the day i lost all hope and gave it all up.what good were any dreams when all they did was reduce one to a worn out shell of a human being ?

I was eventually accepted in NIFT. it was a tough decision to make . i had lost hope in my abilty to ever realise my dream , i was against my instincts , i was too sore from my rejections. I had even half-heartedly started going to coachings for engineering . it was all a nightmare with me being thrown about from one extreme to another.

however( and i really don't know how) , i made a choice and i joined. it proved to be one of my best decisions ever.

again i would like to fade away with the image of me blazing my way through college and stunning people with my inspired creations..haha! !
i was not the smartest nor the most creative .. but the point is , i was there!
all those years of mooning over brochures and imagining myself designing and creating , all those silly competitons , all the failures , all the mockings , all the pain , all that despair and insecurity, it was all irrelevant..
what mattered was that i was a student of the best design college in India, doing what i wanted , learning new things , discovering passions i never knew existed and yes, it was all worth it!
i have never felt more alive , more confused , more frustrated , more scared , more pathetic and more inadequate. and yet i was fulfilled!
so you see, this is what college meant to me, it was the realization of a dream and the beginning of many more.

i don't know whats going to happen next - i don't know whether i will be successful or not ( most likely not !) coz i am not even the most creative or the most hard-working or the best !! i don't have it in me to be ruthless and aggressive and fight my way to the top. i'm the person least likely to be noticed ever!
so my college hasn't guaranteed me a perfect future.
but you see, it has made me realize in the power of dreams.. and the power of faith.

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream - I have a dream
I have a dream,
a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream -
I have a dream
I’ll cross the stream -I have a dream
I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream -
I have a dream
I’ll cross the stream - I have a dream.