banging my head against a blank wall

yes..that is exactly what i'm doing right now!
exactly what i've been doing for the past 2-3 days.
banging my head against a blank wall..
believe me, this is not what i intend to do when i get up every morning ( i know i don't have a life, but i do have better things to do than that,you know..er...or maybe not..)
it's almost midnight and i'm on the computer trying to come to grips with my research topic. i'm trying to think 'horizontally' and not 'vertically'. . (go figure!)
so basically i'm surfing the web trying to figure out exactly what i'm trying to figure out by doing this course.
yes. late at night is when all the doubts in the world come knocking on your door and try to break your spirit and make you lose control and tear your hair out in frustration and ground your teeth to bits! !

it's been a long time since i stayed up late at night to work. and i'd forgotten how much i used to enjoy it.
dim lights, the radio in the background, and me at my desk with the computer and notebook. one of the few times when i'm at peace with myself (other than the hair tearing bit,of course)
and as of now,i'm reminded of the many late nights i used to be up and working in college.
i won't mention the gory details but what i used to love the most were the breaks.
all of us used to be bent over our work, concentrating really hard when suddenly one or the other of us would get up and announce a break prompting much grinning and throwing down of pencils and rubbing of eyes.
then there would be heated discussion regarding whether we should have tea or coffee. after which there would a heated debate about who exactly would make the tea/coffee.
as the reluctant loser stepped into the kitchen, there would be a dismayed yell of 'there's no milk/sugar/coffee/tea powder!'. this would be the cue for the rest of us to stomp into the kitchen and open every container and boz in sight hoping to find a stray sugar sachet or random tea bag . this would also be the portion for any minor scuffles along the lines of pulling off of hair bands, tickling,stealing of specs. this would usually end in one or the other of us being chased and pummelled unmercifully as we begged for mercy.
after the hubbub had died down, and the tea had been somehow concoted(with zero sugar and even lesser tea powder..really,it was mostly just brown hot water) , we used to sit on one of the beds and chatter our problems away.
two in the morning, a bunch of girls holding cups of tea in their hands and yapping and giggling like there was no other problem in the world.
i swear, it was the best tea i ever tasted.
the sessions usually used to be terminated as and when one of us would cast a lazy eye at our watches and almost have a spasm at the realization that the fifteen minute break had morphed into an hour's vacation!

sometimes there were unplanned breaks. while all of us were working on our comps and listening to music, one or the other of us would put on a jazzy song and this would result in all of us scraping back our chairs and collecting in the hallway for a mini groove session involving much dramatisation and overacting. and God help us if the next song on the play list would be groovy as well.. there would be no more work that night!

other times,late at night, we would hear the couple-next-door quarrelling loudly which would prompt immediate abandonment of our work and a mad rush to the closest window where we would stand with our ears pressed against the bars straining to hear the gory details. after the voices had died down,we would settle in for a cozy dissection of the couple-next-door's marital life that would involve much speculation and fabrication of reasons for afore mentioned quarrel. this would mostly end with all of us giggling uncontrollably at the insane procurement of ideas and visions.

sometimes ,a break would involve a trip to the terrace. this is undoubtedly the fondest of my memories. late night, we would wrap up warmly nd climb the stairs upto the terrace. here we would spend some time gazing quietly at the silent neighboring houses and the brightly lit facade of our college. this was the time for quiet confessions, secret crushes, facing of niggling poblems and doubts.
at that time, standing gazing around us, we could see our future ahead of us.for those magical moments we were controlling our destinies, life was simple, we were content and secure and loved.

i loved those late night breaks.
after those breaks, work never seemed half as daunting, problems not half as worrying. it was if we had been rejuvenated and refreshed.
i don't know whether i'll have those late night breaks ever again. however, i am insanely greatful for those times and will always hold them close to my heart.

as of now.. i better get back to what i was doing.
what was it?
oh yeah..banging my head against a blank wall!