note:

this is just a small post to reiterate the fact that i hate change..
i know it's inevitable, i know everybody undergoes it, i know our lives would be stagnant without it and i know i can always adjust to it.
but i hate it.

TO DO:

I was totally out of ideas regarding what I should write a post on next. so I asked ruchita to help me out and she, being the brilliant brain that she is (I mean that in a totally non-sarcastic way!), tagged me.

it's a bit like writing an essay in an exam, isn't it? but honestly, if you were faced with such a dearth of creativity as I have been these past few weeks.. you would accept this task with as much glee as I am now. and by the way, does anybody know whether or not creativity is like a pot of paint..if not used for a given amount of time,it dries up and will only revive itself after much prodding,poking and pouring of water.and then too it would be quite a miserable affair as compared to its usual vibrant self. do help me out here.. becuase I am on the verge of breaking the record for longest writer's block ever..at least the longest it's ever happened to me.
ok, i've strayed so totally off the point! it's like going to visit america and deciding to drop in to australia on the way..
and there I go again . .

so!
i'm supposed to write about fifteen things I would like to do before I turn forty.
some of the things i'm going to mention may be a little far-fetched but then you can't blame a girl for dreaming can you?

one. paint a wall in my room. ok,for that I need to have a room . assuming I have a room, I would like to paint an entire wall of that room, all by myself, just that way I like it. I have a million ideas for it coz this is something i've wanted for a long time. a beautiful wall full of all the colors I love.. i'm going to pour my heart into painting it..it will be like a abstract canvas of my life and all the things I love. and it's got to have glitter and sparkle!

two. I want to have an entire wall full of framed pictures. pictures of all the people i love, the places i love .. everything! this is actually my parent's idea and there is a wall in our house constructed entirely for this purpose. however,we've hardly done anything to it as yet and everytime I go home, I concoct absolutely far-fetched plans for it. so i would like to turn them into a reality soon.

three. own two, three, four, five dogs! ok,that's a little too much( how would i feed them!), one would be fine, or two even. i absolutely adore dogs and used to have two adorable, light of my life cocker spaniels. unfortunately, both of them died at an early age and i've never stopped missing them. whenever, i meet a dog with liquid eyes, i feel an irresisitible urge to pick it up and run off with it (one day i will!)

four. live in new york! yes! this is like a challenge to me. i'm totally intimidated by the idea of new york! im way too reserved and shy to manage a city like that all by myself. however, this is something i want to do, if only to prove to myself that i am not a scaredy pants !

five. learn to eat with chopsticks! i am absolutely fascinated with the dynamics of eating with chopsticks and am reduced to staring at people (who can eat with chopsticks) with avid fascination. it is an absolute marvel! so one day you will find me eating my morning toast with a pair of chopsticks (hopefully!)..

six. visit australia!! Oh God! I am obsessed with the thought of Australia! In class 7, we did the physical and political map of australia and for some strange reason, I have been fascinated with the country from then on. It is my mecca. I guess i have given it a kind of cult status in my imagination. When my dad went to Australia, i didn't speak to him for a week because he couldn't take me. He came back and tried to mollify me by telling me that the place was horrible ..as if I'll believe that!! So, one day..somewhere in the near future.. . .

seven. join an aerobics class. and dance my way to physical perfection!

eight. give my parents an all paid week long trip to a beautiful spa resort in kerala. i feel it's going to be such a great break for them. they have spent so many years of their lives doing stuff for us..right from buying an eraser to paying the university fees. they desreve a small chance to be pampered and treated like the royalty that they are. and i know they would adore a spa.

nine. take my sister on a shopping spree. my sister is seven years younger to me and yet, she's the one who spoils me! i'm the spender of the family and she's the cost-conscious one. whenevr she sees something she really likes but can't afford to buy, i always promise myself that one day, i'll take her out and let her buy whatever she wants. .. it will be so worth it to see her face!

ten. do some adventure sports. another one of my challenges to myself. i don't actually like adventure sports. or sports. but i do believe that everything is worth a try. if i don't move out of my comfort zone, i will never realise my full potential or develop new interests.
so, maybe i would like to try scuba diving or bungee jumping or paragliding or something..
and of course, i need company! any takers?? please? to sooth up my shattered nerves?

eleven. be a mentor. i would love to be at a stage in my life where youngsters can look up to me. i know that i'm at such a stage where i admire so many people for so many different qualities and i would love it if one of them would take me under their wing and guide me through the next few years and teach me how to excel.
i would love to guide someone, maybe if they are in the same profession as me then i could use them as an apprentice . or help them out in some way.
i have been helped by so many people and i am eternally grateful to them. and knowing that someone respects you and looks to you for help can be the most fulfilling feeling.

twelve. improve my knowledge. the less said about this, the better! suffice it to say, i would love to be like my dad who is a walking encyclopaedia.

thirteen. drive! oh God! i can drive, you know.. it's just that I have the confidence of a gnat! actually,less than that..and at the rate at which i'm going, it will be quite a miracle if i mange to drive before i'm 50. sigh..

fourteen. celebrate my birthday from 12 to 12! 24 hours! wow! that would be my perfect birthday. 24 hours of me..all i want to do and the way i want to do it! i have huge plans. .

fifteen. discover an age- reversing process! now,wouldn't that be fascinating? i would never reach forty then..i'll be 22 forever! yay! i should get started rigt now..

actually, most of these things are things that i wish to accomplish in another 5-6 years.
I'm quite sure after that my priorities might change.
kids? marriage? (not in that order,silly!) i don't know! i am freaked by the thought of my life being any different from what it is now. i'm freaked by the thought of growing up. i'm freaked thinking of all my responsibilites..responsibilities i'm not sure i want. so i can't think beyond a certain age .. and forty is just an impossible time to consider.
but as of now, this is what i want plus of course, all the obvious stuff .. a great job. creative satisfacation. an ever strengthening friend circle. an ever loving family.

i want everybody to be happy. plain and simple.

spaced out

i need some space.. personal space..desperately..immediately..
i want to think at my own pace, do things that i actually want to do, eat/not eat as and when i like, talk/not talk to anybody as and when i please, live the way i want to.
i want to do things my way.. just for a few days.. just two days.. two hours..anything
i don't want to be responsible, i don't want to care, i don't want to feel guilty, i don't want to clean up, i don't want to do the correct thing..

i've been so deprived of any 'me' time that i think i've lost myself completely. maybe i'm selfish, maybe i'm stupid but really, just now, i just don't care.
at times (such as now), things just build up and crash down on me. i'm sick of doing things the way others want them, why should i care? why should i compromise? why ? why?
writing this down, i feel 14 and immature..
aren't i supposed to be a responsible adult? and responsible adults put everybody else's need before theirs. and right now, all i'm doing is throwing a tantrum.
now i wish i was 14, so i could at least throw a full blown tantrum with screaming and crashing and banging of doors..but no. im relegated to jotting down my emotions in black and white. im calm , im quiet..! and i just might burst.
but im a responsible adult.

i have a splitting headache and i'm dying to talk to somebody who'd understand. but no, im collected, im mature , everybody has their problems. nobody goes on shouting them for the world to hear ..
im a responsible adult
even though all i want to do is yell and scream and vent my frustrations and want somebody to pat me and comfort me and take care of me. and feed me chocolates.

don't get me wrong. i don't actually have any specific problem. i'm fine
it's just one of those days.i'm sure everybody has them. those days when you feel down and out without actually knowing why.
what i don't get is , don't i have a right to feel this way? what's wrong in wanting a little quiet time, like a quarantine period, a mini holiday. a time when nobody can interfere. you can do things without people perstering you. you can wear what you like.
maybe i actually like wearing a tee shirt in -5 degrees weather. maybe i actually like eating icecream for breakfast and a sandwich for dinner.
who makes these damn rules anyway? why do all of us have to live our life in exactly the same way?

i DON'T like being judged all the time. i want to spend an hour without my name being called out every five minutes to do this or do that. i want to wear what i like, not what others like ( ok, now i really sound 14!)

all i'm saying is, please please just give me my life back.
or give me some space .. some time to call my own.

i don't even have a room to myself as of now.
i'm not complaining. its nobody's fault and generally i don't mind.
just sometimes, not so frequently, i look at myself and wonder what i'm doing here.
sometimes i deserve to complain, don't i? if everybody else can.. why can't i?

i know this will pass.. these tiny things will stop bothering me in sometime coz really, they're not worth bothering about.
but i don't like being an adult.. i'm not made that way.
i'm selfish and mean and irresponsible.
take it or leave it.
but just give me some space.

of swindlers and getting swindled

so what category do you fall into?
are you the one who takes care of other people?
or the one who is taken care of ??

lest you assume this a profound theory founded by Gott Von Fruhstuck after experimenting with 500 people locked in a castle for 3 years...sorry sorry..i got a little carried away.there is no gott von fruhstuk who locks 500 people or even 500 goats in a castle .. i just wanted to suggest that ... oh forget it..and excuse my inexcusable filibustering

so back to the first para.... which category do you fall into?
im sure we all like to pretend we can take care of ourselves..but how many of us can actually do that? ?
I am a pin up for category 2.. i cant even pretend to take care of myself.. . i can barely bargain, i can hardly cross the road, i can just about manage local transport and am totally reduced to a teary mess in an unfamiliar location.
i need somebody to take care of me. to guide me, to clean up my mess and to support me. any takers? don't get me wrong .. it's not like i stand in front of my house and cling to the porch , refusing to leave( though i swear i'm tempted to!) . i can manage myself ..iv lived away from home for 3 years.. but it's still a daunting prospect. .

i don't know why, but i seem to have an overtly idealistic view of the Big Bad World. coz of which it is insanely easy to fool me. ..

i'm sure if i was an eskimo, some smart salesperson could easily sell me an all purpose, 3 door refrigerator and i would thank him from the bottom of my heart..
okay..that's a little over the top.. i mean, why buy a refrigerator when you're practically living in one anyway?
anyway,the point being.. . i get taken in by people easily.

also, i'm a little confrontational phobic.. if someone if swindling me right before my eyes, all i can think of is ' oh damn, what do i do ? what do i do? if i ask him for my money back, he might feel offended, right? oh chuck it? money is a highly overrated commodity anyway.. i mean why can't we revert to the barter system? give a goat and get two packs of face cream. now that is sensible! ' and so i end up in a zen like state of mind , waving goodbye to the smirking swindler ..

and i don't get it. . how do these swindlers know im swindler-friendly anyway? do i give out some kind of a 'come swindle me' aura?
see, it's not that i'm not aware that people can be mean and that they will take advantage of you at any given moment.. it's just that being brought up in a protected environment where all you meet are the nicest people, can dull your (otherwise,razor sharp im sure) instincts.
all the experience i had of the human equivalent of the big bad wolf was the bald, gold tooth glinting, leopard skin wearing villain in the movies.
this of course, led to the false impression that any Bad people encountered in real life would be similarly attired.
if only life were as simple as the movies? you could just figure out whom you should stay away from on the basis of their clothes and/or appearance..
shiny bald head?tiger skin coat? multiple ringed fingers?? i'll just run for the hills !!!
sadly, nowadays, its more likely your batchmates who are so attired. . sigh!

so it's a bit of a shock when you do encounter such people in real life. it never fails to surprise me how easily people can take advantage of others. i stare at such people with a morbid fascination. what goes on in their heads , i wonder?

and sometimes it's the sweetest looking, most endearing people who are the ones you have to watch out for. unfortunately, some things can only be learnt the hard way.
im sure i could drill this in your head, make you write a hundred lines a day and wear mismatched socks ( ok that's just for my sadistic pleasure)
and yet you will go out, meet a smart sweet guy/gal , get talking , feel like they are your best pals, hang out with them and next thing.. what do you know? you've been swindled!! out of your dignity, your respect and what not..including maybe your favourite notebook with glowing stars on it ( or was it just me?)

see..it's happened with me and continues to. yes i know, im a slow learner ..
i met this girl on the first day of college. a smart,outgoing, chirpy girl . me being the exact opposite and of course, petrified on the first day .. got taken in by her. not an uncommon mistake , i am told, people just love her at first sight!
so i hung out with her.. didn't become best friends though(Thank God for small mercies) but still we used to go out a lot .. she being the bubbly, i love everyone type...me the reserved, thankful for some attention types. a few months on, i realised she was spreading ridiculous rumors about me around college. my batchmates, my seniors ..everybody knew something about me that even i had no clue of!
I couldn't believe it. such a thing had never happened to me.. and yes, i had been warned ..
what could i do anyway? i wasn't going to stoop to her level and spread insane rumors about her. i wasn't even going to give her the pleasure of my discomfiture. i just dissociated myself from her, carried on as usual and let her get on with it. thankfully, most people knew me well enough to not believe what they heard and i couldn't be bothered associating with those who did.

i guess it's a matter of trust. i'm one of those who trust people very easily.. and i know that tonnes of people are guilty of a similar offence. what's the point of starting a new friendship with someone , when all the time you're second guessing their actions? trust is crucial , is essential. but i guess it's all a matter of getting to know the person and understanding them. trusting them should be a slow procedure.
of course, some people like my ex-pal above are just born swindlers( if you're wondering what she windled me out of..my dignity, hello!) they can only get along with people of their mindset. they aren't good people at heart. they should be thrown to the dogs, roasted on an open pit, tied to a ..er..sorry.. im still a little bitter you see.. trauma and all that.
point being, they aren't good people at heart..
and they are worse than those who swindle you out of your material possessions. to these, you can attribute a genuine reason.. poverty, need, despair, trauma.. not that it gives them any right to run off with your brand new car.. but still.

the world isn't black and white you know.. its everything except. if it's been said once, it's been said a million times, don't trust people easily. it goes against all my natural instincts, but then , it's true.
what kind of a world are we living in where one has to think one better than the swindlers of this world and side step them? we're all turning into these non- trusting, suspicious of each other's motives, second guessing zombies.

still, as long as we're basically good at heart and never back stab our friends or family.. coz that would be infinitely worse(more of that later) . . i guess we can survive. .

wham

oh dear..this post was supposed to be posted yesterday..but me being me,this post is now posted today.
.ahem.. am back after a long time..
i left without an asta la vista baby type note... simply because i had no idea i would be away for so long.. and it has been long .
today i am tearfully reunited with my blog and my keyboard.. (i swear i heard the enter key sniffing).. emotional indeed!
first post of 2006.. was supposed to be the last of 2005..
that does say a thing or two about my time management skills, doesn't it?

what a year ! a strange, hazy, excruciating, terrifying year.
lots of firsts and lots of lasts..
this has undoubtedly been the year of travelling!! pingponging between timezones and climates.. tiring but strangely exhilarating! or maybe that's just my perpetual jet lag speaking?
also the year of tearful departures and ecstatic reunions... i've had so many false starts..waving goodbye ,wondering when we'll meet again..imagining a distant far away time when i'll be smarter,sleeker and somehow better looking(plastic surgery anyone?) only to land up at their doorsteps two months later.. fate indeed..
definitly a testing time for relationships and a time which has given me a lot of answers and left me with a lot more questions.
my poor colg pals are overworked and stressed out...but despite having a schedule busier than the president and the workload of 10..they still managed to spend time with me! superwomen thats what they are..
pritz and snia.. u guys were THE best! calling me up to chek up on me..making sure i enjoyed myself..apologising all the time for bein late/cancellin a date.. watching late nite movies when u'd rather be sleeping..keeping your promises of college trips and sleepovers. i appreciate the effort guys! just wait till i'm filthy rich..

a few things i realised last year :
1. have decided to be extra special nice to people. in this dumb world where everybody concentrates their energies into ignoring/hating/backstabbing/badmouthing others.. it's important to be nice.. at the end of the day ,that's who you'l remember.
2. times change, people change, situations change.. i HATE change!
3. smart people don't think! thinking is the root of all problems
4. email ids are more important than phone numbers.
5. everybody is fighting their own battles.. the grass may be greener but at the end of the day, its grass after all.
6. there is such a thing as good karma .. what goes around, does indeed come around.
7. it's essential to make new memories without letting go of the old ones
8. when one is depressed/distressed/dismal , it is best to give oneself up to said situation completely..and not fight it. it's the best way to get rid of it asap.
9. what you think others think is actually not what they think .. so don't think! (refer 3)
10. being judgemental is a vile trait. its best to observe and absorb. an open mind saves a lot of grief.

i am now staying with my parents after a long time. had totally forgotten how irritating they could be! and judging by their expressions.. they suffered a similar delusion.
parents..sigh..can't live with them ,can't live without them (sigh!)
also my parents love for me continues to astound me. never thought such unadulterated love existed. so mommy and daddy, even though you bug me and frustrate me and harass me and drive me out of my mind , i love you more and more each day. .

these are a few of my favorite things (as discovered in'o5)
1.sunshine ( obviosly prompted by my shift to this sunshine deprived island )
2. my blog (ahem)
3. VOGUE .. the sheer indulgence.. sigh
4. sparkle, shine, glitter, gloss .. all that dazzles is gold indeed to me
5. my sister. yes, it did take 15 years for realisation to dawn

you know, there's a lot of hullabaloo about harboring expectations. people wonder what's the point of having expectations when all they do is disappoint you most of the time. i wish i could disagree, but sadly, personal experiences dictate otherwise. some of the people i trusted the most have thoroughly disappinted me recently. all i can say is, situations change all the time and relationships are tested everyday. one can only survive by trying one's very best and not giving in. but i guess if a friendship can't survive a few changes, it wasn't worth it in the first place, is it?
but i'm going to persevere anyway..

a few things i need this year
1. personal space ..need it! need it! need it!
2. a smooth writing pen
3. opinions ..my own that is.
4. marian keyes new book 'further under the duvet'
5. a dog ..desperately!
6. a wicked sense of humor / common sense . i'll settle for either.
7. a big huge grand marvellous surprise party

a lot of good wishes and love came my way last year, it was quite humbling to witness it. it's always a surprise to me when people care. the smallest gestures are the ones which touch me to the core. but then, i guess it's important to be intensely grateful of all good things that come your way.
i am a completely superstitious character in some areas of my life. talking too much about a good thing just about kills it. if a bad thing happens to you, by all means crib/cry/moan about it. after all, the whole point of having a problem is to communicate the enormity of it.. but as soon as something good happens, i'd rather shut up about it.. i just can't handle the pressure of talking about it as i'm so scared that it will all reverse and leave me flat on my face.

for those of you wondering about the title.. . it's just that i decided to try my own theory and NOT think more than is required. as apparent, the theory isn't foolproof.
but then i just won't think about it.