up and down

change change change.. life is strange.... i hate change..

no...contrary to what it might seem like, this isn't a pathetic attempt to turn into a poet. just stating a fact of my life. I don't think I've ever hated anything so much, with so much passion, with so much vengeance as i hate change.

and of course, i'm a closet change hater.. because if there's anything I hate more than change is the advice i get when I tell people I hate change..
anyway.. i bloody well can't do anything about it, can i? Of course, I have to accept it.. like i have an option! so i just get on with my life and work and devote all my free time to making silly rhymes about my ongoing hate affair with change. who knows, somebody might actually publish them one day.

anyway, it's just that today I recieved a lot of news from a lot of quarters.. good news and not so good news.
the good news, definitely life changing, in fact, my life officially changed as of 7 a.m this morning. in a positive way of course. and yet ..and yet.. it was like i couldn't give myself fully to the joy of celebrating simply because all I could think of was how another thing in my life has changed.

in fact, i was just lecturing my dad yesterday about how I will do everything in my power to make sure I don't change. corny stuff i know and i knew it was just me trying to convince myself that i have some sort of control over the whirlwind that is my life. but I meant every word I said.
Sure,I know everyone is going to change.. in fact i can see it happening right before my eyes.. but i swear I'm not going down without a fight.

I treasure each and everyone of my relationships and anybody who knows me also knows that I'm the most fiercely loyal person to the point of obsessiveness. I'm a simple person with simple needs - I don't play games , if you're my friend, you give me 100% and I'll give you 200% .
People need to work on their relationships..i don't know why they don't realise that.

Anyway, I'm just writing rubbish.. as usual, I've been thinking too much.
I've learnt to live with the voices in my head.. as i'm sure many mental patients do. This year has been tough, I've had to deal with a lot of stuff on my own for the very first time. I never thought I was strong enough to deal with it all, but who knew? I've surprised even myself.

Ok now this post may sound depressing, but it's actually written in a very positive spirit. This year I've learnt a lot about myself and the people around me. Some people have lost my trust forever and some have endeared themselves to me in ways I can never express.
I can forgive people easily but I never do forget.
And through it all, I know I'm stronger in more ways.
And I hate change.

And now I end with a joke, the only joke I've learnt this year. I never can remember jokes..ever! It's pathetic and amazing and incredibly stupid .. I'm the same with directions. I can get lost in my own home, I swear!
Anyway, here's the joke..

Q. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
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A. A cloud!


;)

It had to happen

Soafter much propaganda surounding the impending deletion of my blog, it dawned upon me that i would be performing a hideous disservice to humanity by removing all traces of it from cyberworld.
Believe me,I did not want to give in. I had decided I would be inordinately firm in my stance. For once,I would stick to what I belived in.I would not be swayed by the treacherous emotions of love and devotion(numerous fans - loving me and being devoted to me).
I did not flinch when a group of locals decided to stage a hunger strike outside my house, promising me that they would perish right in front of my eyes if I did not immediately resurrect my blog.
I did not even blink when a group of teeny-boppers swore off video games till I promised them the return of the mighty blog.
The media hounded me and I couldn't step out of my house without tripping over a camera. Journalists and reporters from all the major channels in the world(right from BBC to al-jazeera) swarmed the streets and took to popping out of weirds locations such as bushes and behind poles. It was all rather a crazy period but if sticking to my ideals meant that I had to endure microphones hidden in the toilet paper, so be it.
My relations with my family were strained. My dad had to shove journalists off the car in the morning, endure frosty glares from his colleagues at work and ice cold coffee from his secretary. Needless to say, he wasn't very happy. Each day saw him trudging back home and wearily begging me to start writing the bloody blog again.
Poor thing,I could see he was not made of the same steel as I was. He obviously wasn' t cut out to be another Gandhi. I shrugged off his pleas and shook my sage head. I rather fancy I even had a slight aura around my face. I figure it was inevitable, after all, it is a sign of achieving enlightenment.

My mum had to face steely glances from the assisitants at the local grocery and the prices of cauliflowers and carrots suddenly seemed to shoot up beyond belief. She swears she had to pay 5 times more than what she normally does. She says that soon we will have to resort to eating the grass from our garden (if we could ever manage to shift the journos off it) coz we might not be able to afford the food anymore.
Oh well, if achieving enlightenment means having to sacrifice one's gastronomic delights and subsist on leaves and caterpillars, then so be it. After all, that is what nature intended us to eat. I think it was when I told her this that she made a lunge for me forcing my dad to cling onto her and restrain her. Poor thing, she's obviously never had to stand up for her ideals. It takes more will power that that.

O f course, my sister was affected as well, having to squirm in the back row in her classes while everybody else.including the faculty, regularly threw paper balls at her. She swears she will fail her exams this year because nobody seems willing to mark her papers anymore. She took to collecting the paper balls and bringing them home to fling them on me. She promises that she will rip each and evry single one of my clothes and bags if I don't sit at the computer right now!
Again, if the road to divine intelligence means having to sacrifice my precious precious precious handbags, then so be it. I mean have you ever seen buddha with a handbag (even though it may be the latest most desirable fashion ever) . It just doesn't fit does it? And it probably wouldn't have matched my halo either.
I confess that one almost broke me but I just about managed to restrain myself.

I was nearing breaking point though and it was only when Bin Laden phoned me up and said that he would bomb all the clothes and accessories shops in the world that I broke down. I can tolerate living without my clothes and accessories but I just cannot inflict such torture on the rest of humanity. It would have been downright selfish.I had horrid visons of teeming masses of women flinging themelves into the sea because they couldn't but earriings anymore. It would have been the end of humanity as we know it.

So I gave it up. I sacrificed my ideals, my beliefs and my growing halo for the sake of saving the planet.
and so, here we are. having saved the planet and all that.
Phew!

Thank God

itz crazy how many things can irk you in a single day. my internet has suddenly gone on strike..proceeding with the a slowness that makes me want to tear my hair out. In fact, I could possibly tear my hair out, or better still,pluck then out one by one, go for a hair weaving procedure and pluck my new hair out one by one again and still, the bar will only show three bars out of ten. I could maybe even pioneer an anti -ageing technique, write a best selling novel, live in australia for a year, win a nobel prize and come back and still the bars would be just five out of ten.
of course, considering the internet was the only thing working on my computer..i take its prehistoric style slowness as a personal insult.
earlier, the computer had decided that it would refuse to download any images from the net IN jPEG format. Well, that was ok, gifted with the incredible talent and genius that I am, i just downloaded them in gif or bitmap and converted to jpeg in paint.) See,i had to convert them to jpeg odrwise they wouldn't open in photoshop. )
The comp of course,rose gloriously to the challenge and decided it wouldn't open any downloaded images in any software. Even my genius couldn't see a way out of that one, so I resorted to using the college computers for image downloads. Of course, that meant I had to spend almost two hours travelling each day,even on holz but itz ok.. i don't have a life anyway.
Then of course, the comp had to go one step further and it decided to attack my most vulnerable spot,my photoshop. All the functions came to a grinding halt and the ones that did work, did weird things hitherto unknown to me. I think that was the day, my dad and sis had to tie me to a chair and sedate me coz they'd caught me trying to burn the comp.

but you know what,itz ok!
Thank God that the I have the time and the energy to waste my life worrying about such things. Thank God that a compz personal vendetta is what keepz me awake at night.
Thank God I have the money and the capability to catch a bus each day.
Thank God I have the wit and the brains to hold my own (even if it'z against a stupid comp)
Thank God I can give submissions and face criticismz from tutors coz my work wasnt upto the mark.
Thank God for the luxury of cribbing and crying.
Thank God for the power of imagination that helps me concoct fantastic scenarios for torturing the tutors in question.
so..
Thank God for a lot of things that I don't deserve. (including the comp)

and so it goes on

well.
the past few days have been a struggle with myself . to delete or not to delete??
and even uptil five minutes ago,i was all prepared to just get rid of this blog. but then i kind of started reading my earliest posts and was quite shocked at the naivety with which I had embraced the world of blogging. It was like reading about a different part of me, a positive part of me. And I realised I didn't want to delete this blog right now, maybe sometime later..i really don't know. but not now.
things are not so good, but then they never will be perfect ,will they? and if I give up things so easily then what's the whole point right?
I was hating what my blog had become.. it was like the diary of a psychiatrist who notes down his patient's rantings and ravings.. in fact, i really expected some worthy psychiatrist(who blogs in his spare time) to leave his online visiting card proclaiming me to be the most fascinatingly depressed person he'd ever met.
so basically I was pissed.. with the fact that I couldn't right anything worthy enough of being read by anyone.
but you know,it's ok.. it's ok nobody cares. it's really ok. Like I mentioned earlier, hardly 3-4 people seem to even care whether I write stuff or not.. and it's OK . at least I will have 3 comments on my blog. I sound so materialistic but hey, guess what, I am.

I was really down in the dumps a week back.. and so I listened to a lot of songs, shut myself away from everyone and snapped at anyone who dared to even breathe within five feet of me. I went into a state of suspended limbo.
It kind of helped me retain the last shreds of sanity I had.
I echo what Ruchi wrote in her blog recently.. do I have to be the one to pull myself out of these miserable depths all the time? I mean,shouldn't somebody care enough to help me out of it?

Gosh, so much negativity!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Ok so, Nobody cares, get on with it!Move on.. ( see, that's my cynical inner voice speaking)

ok..positive stuff.. hmm.. I love drinking tea! yes.. now see, tea always makes me happy.. without exception, it's great stuff and miles better than coffee which dehydrates you and gets you addicted and ..and..I dunno..but it's worse than tea anyway. Also,what's the whole funda about coffee helping you keep awake? It's never happened to me! the strongest coffee doesn't do a thing for me. . so what's the fuss about?
I love my sister as well...man, she's something else..She's so chilled out about anything and everything..Nothing bothers her ..EVER! I'm thinking of taking lessons from her ..but really .. I just admire her nonchalance and it's great..worrying never heped anyone. She's so even tempered..she doesn't get crabby, never complains and basically keeps herself happy ALL the time.
My dad too is just awesome.. I really really admire him as well. He's got all the things in the world to worry about .. but he doesn't. He's great ! alas he's unfortunately the butt of all my mood swings .. hmmm..

oh and welcome back to ruchi, I'm so glad she decided not to close down her blog. I HATE CHANGE , and was really disappointed when she deleted her blog for a while.. but she's back now and I hope she blogs for many many years to come. Ooooh, I can just imagine her sitting in a rocking chair with a laptop on her lap and typing away while her great grandchildren run around her.. one of them will try putting a live caterpillar in her snowy white hair and she'll be so engrossed in her blogging, she won't notice!
and that's a nice visual to sign off with
:)
(please don't kill me ruchi..you know i love you :) )

is it just me?

this should be a short post.
i was planning to put up a post after a while. a decent post,one that would have made some sense but then in a rare moment of lucidity, i realised that might be many many moons away. by that time, man would have discovered the existence of extra-terrestrials and would have put them in zoo on mars and would be running regular shuttles to Mars/Pluto to view these hapless extraordinary creatures and people like tom cruise and paris hilton (who are dripping money and who would probably eat money if they could) would be photographed grinning (that's tom) and pouting(paris ..could be tom too actually) next to a particularly stunning specimen of alienhood.
so basically, by that time, everybody would be too busy to take moment of a rare moment of lucidity on my blog and that made me decide to write a post.
and here we are.

so i'm a bit busy.
so what? not busy enough to not write this post right?
but actually, i am that busy.it's just that sometimes i have these 'moments' where i simply give up on stuff.. i just stop caring. nothing affects me. i just don't care. now, given that 99.99% of my time is spent in caring too much about absolutely everything under the sun (and the moon), i figure these rare moments are well deserved and much needed. It is in such moments that I experience what it must be like to be a 'chilled out' person. one who can prioritise and only worry about the things really really worth worrying about.
I mean there must be insanity in a person who gives worrying about the fact that I have a zit the size of africa on my nose, the same importance as worrying about the terrible, terrible presentation I have coming up and which it will take me four years to prepare for but I only have one week and I have NO clue what I'm doing or whether I should be doing it at all and everybody else seems so smug and prepared for it and all I can do is try and sneak a peek at the bursting files ...
See? There should be some priorities? I mean,the zit is infinitely worse..


So sometimes I really do wish I didn't worry so much about so many things. It really doesn't help. and then I really wonder if it's just me?
I am full of admiration for people who can organise and prioritise their worries. and am almost respectful for people who don't worry at all! Those are the ones who fascinate me. They take life as it comes, handling one thing at a time,knowing that even five days down the line, these worries won't be of any importance whatsoever.
Seriously, we worry so much about so many transient things which just won't matter in the future.

I figure there should be some sort of a balance beteween these two extremes. and kudos to the person who manges that. I know I'll never be able to because I'm just not made that way. I f I don't worry about silly stuff,I 'll worry about why I'm not worrying about it. I just can't win!

so well,my rare moment of peace is now all but gone. Worrying thoughts about how much time I've already wasted are already seeping in and corroding my momentary inner peace.
I needed this break, away from myself. I can be really bugging.

the art of cribbing

life is so funny. it's just downright hilarious. just as soon as you think you've gottn hold of the way things should be going and are resting your tired aching body on a soft, cushy chair sipping a refreshing drink, you realise that the chair is actually a cactus and the drink in your hand a healthy dose of grass juice (although if you're a cow, that really shouldn't matter).

oh well, don't mind me, i just love cribbing. it's so healthy, so liberating, so so relaxing and such a privelege.

you know, i hate swear words. well, actually no, i don't hate them, it's just that i don't seem to have the flair ,if you will, of saying them convincingly.but sour grapes not withstanding, i just don't approve of them and i really fail to understand how people can pepper, no wait smother their conversations with a swear after every vowel (or so it seems). but, of course, it's always fun when i'm in a rage and write nasty e-mails full of swear words. of course, the recepients are left slightly shell shocked with a terribly tarnished view of the so-far rosy world and my next mail is often a 'im so sorry, my comp was hijacked by the convicts next door and i swear they wrote my mail' type e-mail. like i said, swears cause more trouble than they're worth.

have any of you tried messaging the radio jockeys so you can hear them read your message out on air? normally, i just scoff at people who are useless enough to spend 2 mins of their life texting and the next 4 hours hanging onto the rj's words. sadly, that was when i used to have a life. now that i effectively have NO life, i've turned into one of those creepy people who do just that. the high point of my day is hearing my name being spoken by a RJ whom I don't know and never will and who is probably a pot bellied guy with warts. seriously, have I mentioned how cool my life is?

i feel i'm a really selfish person. how about you guys?are you all selfish too?? i also feel i'm rather materialistic. after all, like some famous ( and profoundly wise) person once said, ' what's the use of happiness? it can't buy you money'. My sentiments exactly!

right, i've cribbed now and i feel great.
hmmm.. i love marian keyes. i know most people would read her books and go 'ooooo it's so chick lit' , but honestly, the lady has the most engaging style of writing i have encountered in a long time. i just read her most recent newletter. absolutely quaint.

well, i won't be around for some time now. so the next post will be after sometime. hopefully, i should be back with my imagination a bit rejuvenated coz honestly, this post is severly uninspired.
please feel free to crib in the meantime.

life goes on

i sit at the bus stop and watch.
i watch people walk by. i watch cars zip across and buses rumble past.

i watch two girls walking by hand in hand giggling and swinging their similar bags. i wonder whether they bought the bags together.i watch as the shorter girl stumbles and the other one reaches out to support her. i watch as they grin and link hands again. i wonder how long they've known each other. i wonder if they live together or with their families. i wonder whether they'll still support each other five years from now.

i watch a bunch of guys walk past. i wonder if the tall cute one has a girlfriend. i wonder if he knows the sunlight makes his eyes look almost transluscent . i look at the thin blond one and wonder whether he's as intelligent as he looks? i watch as he walks with a slight limp and wonder if he's been in an accident. i watch as they walk to the end of the road and separate. i wonder whether they'll meet up later.

i watch as tall girl walks up and sits next to me. i watch as she fidgets around for a while and then suddenly gets up and rushes across the street to a small shop, as a passing car swerves to avoid her. i watch her emerge from the shop a moment later and cross the street again. this time the passing cars erupt in a cacophony of horns. she sits next to me and lights up a cigarette from her new pack and sucks vigorously at it. i wonder if there is a reason why she doesn't value her life more.

i get on the bus and the driver smiles at me and cracks a joke. i watch as he greets everyone with a smile and a joke. i watch as everyone gets on the bus with a smile and gets off with a smile too. i wonder whether the driver has had some good news today or whether he's usually like this. i wonder if he has a daughter and if he's as jovial with his family. did he always want to be a bus driver? what does he do when he gets back home? i visualise him returning home and cuddling his young girl.

i watch as two young girls in school uniforms get on the bus and sit in they front seat. i watch as they share the remains of their lunchboxes while chatting about how the test today wasn't as difficult as they expected. i watch as one girl swings her long plait. i wonder whether she'll still have the same long hair when she's twenty-five. i wonder if she knows which college she's going to go to. does she like dogs? does she have a brother whom she hates?

i get off at my stop and start walking the short distance home. i watch as my shoelace comes undone and wonder if i'll trip and tumble into the bushes. i don't feel so good today. i wonder whether i'll feel better tomorrow?

i wonder at all i've seen today. i wonder what made me take a back seat today and just observe and watch and wonder. i wonder why i feel satiated and a bit light-headed.
i wonder at the number of times i've used 'wonder' in this post.
i wonder at the wonder of life .